Merry and Messy

The Holiday Survival Guide to Pressure, Peace, and Everything in Between

The Holiday Survival Guide to Pressure, Peace, and Everything in Between

The holiday season is often portrayed as the most joyous time of the year—a parade of twinkling lights, festive gatherings and cheerful celebrations. Yet, for many, Christmas is far from merry, or at least, it’s far more complex than that.

Here are 25 strategies to help you cope - don’t worry, you don’t need them all! While some unique tips are woven into the sections below, most suggestions are general and can apply across challenges. These are compiled into a list of recommendations at the end of this blog.

The Weight of Festive Expectations (or No matter how we wrap it, pressure is still pressure!)

The holidays are supposed to be fun and merry, right? The pressure to “be festive” seems to creep in earlier each year, from cultural norms to the glossy perfection of social media. For some, it really is a season of joy, but for others, it’s a delicate balancing act of togetherness, reconnections and stress.

The stress of planning, hosting, and perfect gift hunting, the gift of giving often framed as “positive” stress, can leave us feeling invalidated. After all, isn’t this supposed to be a happy time? But stress is still stress, and pretending it doesn’t exist, or that you should only feel stress if it’s a negative stress only amplifies its weight.

If you feel guilty for your holiday self-invalidated anxiety, could you try offering yourself kindness and compassion? Acknowledge the stress, take a breath, and approach with curiosity (see tips below)

Financial Strain: The Unwrapped Pressure

Financial pressures often feel like uninvited guests at the holiday table. Whether it’s the fear of not having enough, the strain of overspending or the guilt of feeling your efforts aren’t 'good enough,' these expectations can quickly become overwhelming. Remember, you’re not alone in this struggle—especially given the challenges of recent years. Acknowledging these feelings is a powerful first step toward finding balance and relief.

• Consider creating a realistic Christmas budget, revisiting your priorities, and focusing on what truly matters.
• Prioritising quality time over material gestures can make the season more manageable and meaningful.
• Recognise shame and guilt for what they are emotional responses designed to protect you and gently challenge their hold over you.

Strained Family Dynamics

For some, Christmas means navigating complex family relationships, unresolved conflicts, pressure to get along, or a sense of not fully (or not at all) belonging. The pressure to maintain harmony can be exhausting, and the expectation to “be merry” only heightens the strain. Please see things to consider at the bottom as well as:

• Manage Expectations: Accept that family dynamics may not (probably will not) be picture-perfect and be curious whether you are expected to “fix” it all.
• Focus on the Positive: Acknowledge small, pleasant (or at least not-unpleasant) interactions without striving for perfection.

Loneliness: Alone, Lonely, or Empowered?

Not everyone spends the holidays surrounded by loved ones. Whether due to distance, health, estrangement, or personal choice, being alone during the holidays can amplify feelings of loneliness. Social media’s promoted images of 'perfect togetherness' often make this sense of isolation even stronger—even if being alone was your choice!

But here’s the thing: aloneness doesn’t always mean loneliness, and loneliness doesn’t always come from being alone. Most people value some time to themselves, but the question is, how much solitude feels right for you before it becomes too much? Similarly, how full is your 'social battery' for gatherings and meet-ups and how fast can it “recharge”? Finding that balance is key.

Sometimes, learning to enjoy your own company can be a process—challenging yourself to try more solo activities or outings might open doors to unexpected connections. But if you’ve been alone longer than feels comfortable, let’s not pretend it’s the ideal outcome. Instead, be curious about how you can care for yourself in this moment.

Equally, for many, loneliness is less about the number of people around and more about the quality of connection—the sense of being seen, understood and accepted. The festive season’s 'togetherness' tag can make those feelings of disconnection louder. Again, let’s be curious: how can you look after yourself?

• Give yourself the space to understand your needs, separating them from societal norms or pressures.
• Get Outside: A short walk in nature, a visit to a café, or a trip to the cinema can shift your perspective.
• Reconnect: Could you reach out to an old friend or family member, even outside of Christmas itself? A friendly chat with a neighbour or local shopkeeper can also spark connection.
• Rediscover Joyful Activities: Is there a book you’ve been meaning to read? A film you’ve wanted to watch? Or perhaps a creative project, tinkering waiting to be picked up, recipe, or hobby you’ve been curious about?
• Practice Gratitude: Reflect on what you have and what you enjoy. Consider what’s within your control versus what isn’t—you might be surprised by how much power you still hold.
• Give Back: Volunteering, helping a neighbour, or even offering five minutes of your time to someone in need can create a sense of purpose and connection.
• Use Social Media Wisely: Stay connected and celebrate virtually, but be mindful of not falling into the illusion of the ‘pure winter wonderland' others portray. Life is nuanced, and those pictures are rarely the whole story

Ultimately, the holidays don’t have to look a certain way to be meaningful. Reflect on your needs, and if they can’t be fully met, explore what’s within your control to create moments of comfort, joy, or connection. Gratitude, self-compassion, and curiosity can be powerful allies during this time

The Pain of Empty Chairs

For those grieving the loss of loved ones, the holidays can magnify the ache of absence. The empty chair at the table and the hollow traditions can be heartbreaking reminders. Grief is a natural response to love and loss—it’s okay to feel it. It’s also okay to find joy in the moment, to smile, to let lightness into your heart alongside the sorrow. Truly, it is okay. Grief often moves between two spaces: a 'loss-oriented' focus on what’s been lost and a 'restoration-oriented' focus on finding ways to navigate everyday life again. Significant dates, anniversaries, and festive seasons can exacerbate the sense of loss, and it’s all part of the process.

Seasonal Trauma Triggered - Helliday

For some who have survived trauma, whether it’s directly tied to the holiday season or not, this time of year can bring an overwhelming flood of emotions and potential triggers. To put it mildly, the holidays can feel unbearably difficult. If this resonates with you, it’s important to recognise and understand your triggers. These may include:

• The pressure to match the holiday euphoria, when perhaps you’re trying very hard to feel 'okay enough' or 'safe enough.'"
• Substance use or abuse triggers—whether connected to your own past coping mechanisms or linked to memories of others’ behaviour.
• Traumatic memories of past holiday seasons coming back up to the surface
• Estrangement from family, or the challenges of spending significantly more time with them.
• Emotional triggers like arguments, criticism, rejection, or feeling responsible for managing others’ feelings and conflicts.
• Sensory triggers such as loud noises, bright flashy lights, or certain smells, tastes or music.
• Tangible reminders, like specific places, faces, objects, or images.
• Media triggers
• Social triggers, such as crowded places, or feeling lost or excluded, being the centre of attention, or the fear of saying, sounding or doing the 'wrong' thing.

Once you’ve identified your triggers—whether beforehand or in the moment—acknowledging them for what they are is a vital first step. This recognition might stir feelings of shame, fear, or anger, but facing them allows you to begin finding ways to ground and care for yourself and then please be curious about what could help.

Strategies to consider for Coping with Holiday Stress

• What small steps can you take to ease the pressure, even just a little?
• How can you support yourself in managing it a bit better?
• Take a Breath: Give yourself the space to understand your needs, separating them from societal norms or pressures.
• Take a Break: Step away from the noise, even briefly, to reset. Could you take those small breaks regularly?
• Stabilise yourself with somatic self-regulation techniques such as breathing and grounding -
  • There are many different breathing exercises, here are few to consider:
    • Long Exhale: Breathing in slowly through your nose and exhaling slowly through your pursed lips. Gradually extend your exhale until it’s twice as long as your inhale.
    • Box Breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds and pause for 4 seconds
    • Diaphragmatic Breathing: Inhale deeply through your nose for a count of 4 hold for 4 exhale through your mouth for 6-8
    • Humming Breath: Humming on the exhale activates the vagus nerve, promoting relaxation.
  • Similar with breathing, there are many grounding Techniques, here are few to consider:
    • Feet-on-the-Ground Exercise: Sit in a chair with feet firmly planted on the floor. Focus on the sensation of the ground supporting you.
    • 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding: Identify 5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you taste
    • Weighted Objects: Use a weighted blanket or hold a heavy object to promote a sense of stability.
• Consider what your sensory self-soothing kit might look like. Thinking from the perspective of each sense what brings you comfort & soothes you
  • Soothing with smell: Might there be a smell, an essential oil on the tissue that you can bring up closer when needed, favourite perfume, scented lipbalm, hand cream
  • Soothing with touch & texture: A particular fabric that feels soothing close to skin, sense of a hug (hugging a soft cushion), a shawl or tight jumper wrapping your shoulders, a comfortable object, a fidget toy, textured object
  • Soothing with sight: Look around the room, would focusing your mind on either of the objects in the room can stimulate the soothing - a candle flicker, a water movement, painting on the wall?
  • Soothing with taste: Any soothing flavours that are accessible? Alternatively, engaging the sense of taste - a sucker, mint, chewing gum
  • Soothing with sound or absence of it: Noise-canceling headphones, earplugs, white noise app, nature sounds, favourite or comforting music or podcast
• Incorporate movement if possible, even something small—a walk, stretching, or simply stepping outside for fresh air. Some breathing space? - If you need the space - take it!
  • Can it be followed by cognitive grounding - check with yourself the
    • “Am I safe here and now?”
    • “What is the worst case scenario I’m thinking/ fearing of If it does happen what can I do?”
    • “What resources do I have, how can I deal wit hit) How likely that it will happen?
    • “What resources do I have?” “How can I deal with it?”
    • and back to the “Am I safe enough here and now?”
• Would you consider creating a mental anchor? - Start bye grounding yourself and use one of the breathing techniques. Then, choose your anchor. Think of something that makes you feel safe and content, it could be a person, a place real or created, an activity or a moment in your life. Picture your anchor clearly in your mind. Focus on any details - colours, smells, sounds, or textures that come with it. The more vivid, the better. Pay attention to how your body responds, feelings and sensations as you think of your anchor. Let it become a safe and comforting memory you can return to when you need it.
• Soak in Self-Care and Soothing: Indulge in practices that make you feel grounded and comforted.
  • Could you consider adjusting your pace by revisiting your priorities and focusing on what matters most? -
    • Perhaps you could let go of non-essential tasks or pause them for a while?
    • Would it be possible to delegate or share some responsibilities?
    • Could some task be simplified?
    • Are your expectations realistic?
    • Can you ensure there are quieter times between busy ones, gaps between events and gatherings?

Even the smallest steps can make a meaningful difference

• Consider setting clear boundaries ahead of time: saying ‘no’, being selective and mindful about what you choose to attend, setting time limits and maintaining personal space when needed.
• Reflect on whether your boundaries are likely to be respected, and if not, plan how you’ll care for yourself in those situations. Remember, you’re not alone. Safe people, therapeutic support, and 24/7 resources are available to help you navigate this season. You deserve that support.

Every situation is unique, and these tips are quite general— I understand that. Support is out there - don’t hesitate to reach out to find what truly works for you. That said, it’s often the simplest tips we tend to skip or overlook, yet they can make just enough of a difference to provide the support and relief you need—and deserve.

The holidays don’t need to follow a specific template to be meaningful. Whether your Christmas involves a lively family gathering or a peaceful night with a good book, it’s okay for it to be your own. If this year feels heavy, remind yourself that it’s just one chapter in your story, and brighter days lie ahead. You are not defined by your struggles or your loneliness, and you are never alone in feeling this way. Reach out, take small steps, and remember: your worth isn’t tied to how 'merry' your Christmas is."

Feel free to get in touch with me to share your experiences and what helped you most. Let’s navigate this season together. 🌟

In the meantime if you need it, help is just a call away!